I’ve been thinking about writing this blog for quite sometime, after some interesting discussions about Boundaries lately.!

After my shopping experience this morning; here it comes!
I was in David Jones browsing when an assistant approached me to accept a new credit card. Nicely and politely I declined. She was persistent and continued- I was listening to her thinking about BOUNDARIES!

I appreciated and accepted that she has a job to do- but as she was on autopilot with her training spiel; I decided to stop her and say: I don’t want to waste your time and before I said and mine, she gave me yet another reason why I should have the card! I wished her a nice day and walked away smiling at her.

What has this to do with boundaries? A LOT!

Healthy boundaries are about responding appropriately IN THE MOMENT- not to endure her spiel and be annoyed about it later- not taking the paper work and throwing it in the first bin I see- it is also not being rude to her,

I’m sure such a situation, in various forms, is encountered by all of us frequently.

Where does being nice and polite stop and exercising healthy boundaries begin?

I thought I‘d jot down a few examples of what I think healthy boundaries is and hopefully you will write back and add some of your own and also let me know what you think.

Are you thinking, I don’t know what you mean by boundaries?

Boundaries are:

Physically, my skin is the edge of my boundary with the world- it is where I end and the world begins.

Behaviourally, boundaries are what’s acceptable and what is not- naturally this changes according to whom we are with. eg. I might accept a particular behaviour from someone I don’t know, while I wouldn’t with someone I do know.

The reason? With people we don’t know, we are not impacted in the same way- we can walk away, we may never see them again, etc.. However, with people we know, the dynamic is totally different as we have certain expectation of them and they of us.

We can also have different boundaries, for example, with a guest in our house- we may not accept the same behaviour of our partners that we would from a guest. For the same abovementioned reason.

Ask yourself these questions about Boundaries:

• Are you able to tell someone that you’re not happy with something in a calm manner, not wait till you can’t take it any more and blurt it out and some hurtful comments as well?
• Are you able to say NO when you want to and not to be manipulated into a situation that is not ok with you?.
• Are you mindful of your responses- eg. Not accept an invite out of embarrassment, then not turn up or make excuses later?
• Are you able to address the person with whom you have an issue, not talk about him/her to anyone who will listen (and bore them to tears)?
• Do you find it easier to send an email or text or leave a message, to tell someone how you feel, rather than talk to them face to face?
• Are you comfortable keeping eye contact with people?
• Are you comfortable keeping eye contact when you’re uncomfortable with someone?
• Are you the one who has to give in all the time? How do you feel about that? Do you say, OK. It doesn’t matter or do you get angry?
• Are you able to negotiate so you would get what you want, or at least some of it?
• Do you feel that your partner, your friends/family are considerate and appreciative of you?
• Do you feel that your kids are respectful of you and of your boundaries?
• Do you find that even when you say NO, you are not heard?
• Last, by no means least; Do you find yourself in the same situation or in the same type of relationship over and over again?

These are just some areas where good, healthy boundaries are pivotal to happiness and wellbeing.

I would love to hear from you – tell me what you think about boundaries and also tell me what you think of this article.

Thank you

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This article was emailed to me and I thought I’d share it here today.

Brains on Purpose (TM)

Neuroscience and conflict resolution

Stephanie West Allen, JD, in collaboration with Jeffrey M. Schwartz, MD

Are you promoting yawning in your mediations? If not, you may want to rethink that

Yawning can affect the way we interact with each other. Read what neuroscientist Dr. Andrew Newberg has to say about that mouth-opened-wide action. From “Yawn: It’s one of the best things you can do for your brain” (Penn Gazette):

Several recent brain-scan studies have shown that yawning evokes a unique neural activity in the areas of the brain that are directly involved in generating social awareness and creating feelings of empathy. One of those areas is the precuneus, a tiny structure hidden within the folds of the parietal lobe. According to researchers at the Institute of Neurology in London, the precuneus appears to play a central role in consciousness, self-reflection, and memory retrieval. The precuneus is also stimulated by yogic breathing, which helps explain why different forms of meditation contribute to an increased sense of self-awareness. It is also one of the areas hardest hit by age-related diseases and attention deficit problems, so it’s possible that deliberate yawning may actually strengthen this important part of the brain.

For these reasons I believe that yawning should be integrated into exercise and stress reduction programs, cognitive and memory enhancement training, psychotherapy, and contemplative spiritual practice. And, because the precuneus has recently been associated with the mirror-neuron system in the brain (which allows us to resonate to the feelings and behaviors of others), yawning may even help us to enhance social awareness, compassion, and effective communication with others.

Now are you going to invite yawns to your next conflict resolution event?

Posted by StephanieWestAllen on November 29, 2009 at 12:52 PM in Brain, Emotions, Learning, Mindfulness, Neuroscience, Stress | Permalink

Technorati Tags: mirror neurons, neuroscience, precuneus, yawn, yawning

 I totally disagree with this statement.

 I think Worrying arises for 2 major reasons:

1.  Worrying about an existing or perceived issue

2.  Filling in the silence

 When people worry about an existing issue or about what might happen; they know how they feel through their body. The symptoms are physiological. They may be lack of sleep, feeling agitated, edgy, problem with digestion, stiff neck, etc.. Sometimes, they don’t notice that they have these symptoms because they are worried- they think they are sick! And they may have a multitude of medicines to take or go for a battery of tests.

 People fear that they are not able or equipped to resolve the issue and be comfortable with whatever happens. So they try to cover all the possibilities of what may arise, mentally.

 Regardless of whether it’s an actual or perceived situation; people worry because: They have not been taught how to find ease in life and how to cope with whatever arises.

 By addressing the physiological symptoms; they learn to find ease- for example:

To ease a stiff neck, stiff shoulders, tired eyes; stand up and Stretch- in whichever direction you find comfortable- do that a few times and Rest.

 If you experience tightness in your jaw; open your mouth wide and Yawn! Then Rest.

 If you’re anxious, with or without a reason; hum a tune or sing a song or just Hum! Then Rest.

 If you have a ‘tension’ headache; Close your eyes and slowly look up as far as you can, look down as far as you can, look to your right as far as you can then to your left as far as you can, and lastly, roll your eyes clockwise then anti-clockwise. Then Rest.

 By focusing on easing the symptoms, you learn to replace the habit of worrying with the habit of finding ease in life.

 The second reason people worry could be because they are not used to stillness, always trying to fill in the silence. The silence creates discomfort in them and it can make them feel worried; about what to say, who will speak next, why isn’t someone saying something!

This can be just a habit, which can be easily replaced with a new positive habit.

 Breathing deep into the abdomen is great for that! It helps the whole body, internally and externally, relax and almost miraculously ease and comfort may follow!!

 Worry can also be a sign of a sense of responsibility to please or a responsibility to make everyone around them ‘comfortable’, or their perception that this would ease others’ discomfort.

 Taking responsibility for others can be eased by waiting to be asked for help and support. A lot of the time it’s only the worried person’s perception that this is what is needed!

Again establishing a habit of breathing deeply can bring a sense of comfort that may help in being able to wait to be asked, or even not asked at all!

 Seeking the support of an experienced therapist can ease the transition and can help to establish and to practise new ways of coping with worry no matter what the cause or reason may be.

I saw client last week, who’s been seeing me for a few weeks after a major car accident in which she wasn’t, physically, severely injured. She hardly sat down when she burst into tears. She’s been told to get over it- she looks ok, so she must be faking it!!

This prompted me to write this blog.

Trauma happens in the nervous system not so much in the body. It is not about the event that caused shock, as much as it is about how the person reacted to it. Two people can have very similar experiences with quite different results; one may integrate the experience with little or no after-effect, while the other is incapacitated. So Post Traumatic Stress is the effects of shock/trauma.

The person may experience intense emotion but without clear memory of the event, or may remember everything in detail but without emotion. S/he may find themselves in a constant state of vigilance and irritability without knowing why.

Trauma produces a deep sense of having no safety and no choice. A survivor may lose self-confidence, lose trust in their judgment and feel shame, doubt and guilt that what had happened was their fault.

Shame is a response to helplessness, doubt is because they feel that they should’ve been able to protect themselves, and guilt may be understood as an attempt to draw some useful lesson from the disaster and to regain some sense of power and control. To imagine that one could have done better may be easier to tolerate than to face the reality of utter helplessness. 

In trauma, people call on unconscious defences and make unconscious decisions based on the knowledge they have at the time. These trauma decisions/defences have a ‘trauma logic’. They are always appropriate to the situation when assessed from that angle, but can carry much guilt and can be harshly judged when viewed from a non-traumatic perspective.

Resolution comes through discussion, integration, association, body awareness and the relationship between client and therapist.

Grieving is an important part of trauma therapy. How hard it was, how scary it was, how difficult it’s been since.

 It basically said that we fall in love seeking an opportunity to heal our childhood wounds that were created by not getting our emotional needs met as children, (because of the shortcomings of our parent/s or primary caregivers).

Its premise was that we seek romantic relationships that replicate the dynamics we had with parents/caregivers. And that this is the only way we can heal.

 For example, if we had an emotionally-distant parent, we seek a partner who is emotionally distant in an attempt to recreate the old environment in the hope that we would heal our old wounds.

 Whilst I agree that consciously or otherwise, we strive to heal our wounds (even when we pretend we don’t have any!) I don’t think that we have to be in relationships that may not be supportive of us - then we definitely won’t heal!

The current divorce rate certainly attests to that!!

 I believe that with the right therapeutic support and commitment; we can achieve our healing without jeopardising our intimate relationships.

 In  a therapeutic environment, we can explore the, often, painful wounds and memories- with the guidance of a competent, supportive therapist in a safe and non-judgmental environment. This frees our partner and our relationship from the pressure of having to ‘fix’ our past and our wounds. And we can live in the here and now dealing with our life as it is today not through the painful experiences of the past.

I’m creating this space to share skills that ease dis-ease!

 Over the past 21 years as a counsellor, Somatic Psychotherapist and Trauma Therapist; I’ve supported many clients (and friends) on the way to recovery from physical, mental and emotional discomfort.

 I strive to offer empowering support to my clients and teach them new coping and life skills that engender confidence, better relationships and success, in a safe and supportive enviroment without judgments or expectations.  

Physical Disease is really EMOTIONAL dis-ease!  Feelings are the glue that holds us together, yet we only know how we feel physically, through our body.

When you think of the expressions we have in daily life, such as: a pain in the neck, butterflies in the stomach- these are emotions manifested physically to let us know how we feel!

I can help you get to the source of your troubles, and can offer you new life skills so you can start changing your life today!

I’d like to encourage your comments and questions; if there’s anything you’d like to know more about, I’d love to hear from you.